Entry # 85: Jan 8 - Net Birthday

This day marks the beginning of the fourth year my site has been in existence. Three years old. I can't barely believe it, and I guess, this means it's here to stay. And I won't be able to discontinue this - there's too much loose ends which demand for closure, and new things to be started are already making waves. No, I can't quit, this is too important - and too nice a place to just abandon.

For those of you having checked out this site earlier, you'll have noticed how bumpy the ride has been, layout-wise. I'm just glad that I'm really feeling happy about my layout now that this place has grown immensely - another redesign would simply be tasting like a death wish. So this is to stay, more or less, there's always some little hidden corners to be polished.

Thanks to all of you who visited my site and stayed for a while, thanks especially to those who supported me during these years - and to those giving feedback. I'll continue to try my best, and make this fourth year as productive as the last three.

Yours,

January 8th, 2001

Entry # 86: Jan 11 - Twenty-Five

Usually, numbers are not that important to me, and mystical considerations concerning numbers I consider to be rubbish and dumb. Yet there are some numbers which just happen to somehow invoke a feeling of closure, round numbers, or partitions of round numbers - numbers like 5, 10, 25, 50, 75, 100, 250, 500 etc. - numbers usually then being used for anniversaries to celebrate re-occurring events. Such numbers are devoid of the mythical aspects of numbers like 3, 7 or 12 - they are just units of calculation, dividing the flow of - mostly - time into easily graspable sub-divisions, helping us with organizing things, organizing our memory of things.

25 is such a number. 25 is a young number still, not a very experienced one, one with probably more to come than with something behind; yet also one which could mark a period closer towards the end in some less lucky cultures of the past, yet also of the present. 25 is the quarter of a century, and it is something like the third of a regular life span in the Western hemisphere, if you're extremely lucky, it's a fourth, but not many persons can live up to that. My great-grandfather did, and added four years to that even. My grandfather died in his sixties, both are of my maternal line. However, that's all just theoretical - the end could easily and quickly come with a car accident, a plane crash, the sinking of a ferry, a crime or a disease or another accident - making all deliberations and relations irrelevant. The end could be tomorrow; and it can be in ninety years.

25 is a point in time, a point to look back and forward. But as you should better do that anyway on a daily basis to not lose your perspective, it's just another day. Nothing more. The face in the mirror stays the same.

January 11th, 2001

Entry # 87: Jan 20 - Transition of Power

After a long and arduous process, the transition of power from President William Jefferson Clinton to President George Walker Bush has been finally completed today with the latter's inauguration into office, during a nice ceremony. The ceremony as such somehow reminded me again of one fundamental difference between America and Europe, especially Germany: In America, it is nothing unusual to express your religiosity. An inauguration started with the words "Let us pray" and ended with a benediction, that wouldn't be possible in a Germany which has grown to become atheist, and somehow, unconcerned about questions of morality, character and the dignity of office, and of citizenship.

The Presidency of Clinton has been a good one, Clinton being one of the smartest people ever to have had the Presidency. His days of impeachment are not irrelevant, neither is his conduct in the Oval Office and during the aftermath; but those are personal matters, they have nothing to do with his Presidency. As a President, he has been a great orator and leader, and I just hope he'll stay active in politics for a long time, President Carter could be a good example for someone who continues to inspire the people even after his term in office.

George W. Bush has delivered a great speech, a very religious speech, a sermon almost, trying to unite the factions and to move forward into a better future. He still seemed a bit insecure, trying to do everything exactly right, but he'll manage. I might not agree with his or his party's positions on every single issue, but I do believe strongly that he'll be a good President. He's a smart man in how he is able to choose the right people for the right job, in how he tries to reconcile and unite the factions behind a common compromise. On every account, he's way better than any politician to be found in Germany right now. He'll do fine.

January 20th, 2001

P.S.: Well, I guess I erred in both cases, judging Clinton as well as the incipient Bush JR in a positive light, though my criticism of German politicians stands firm, of course. What shall I say, I too am a victim of the media and the constant disinformation. Let's leave this neat entry in as a piece of history, shall we?

February 15th, 2003

Entry # 88: Apr 5 - About the Redesign (V 10.6) / Site Census #2

Again, some modifications were necessary to improve the navigation and structural organization of this site, i.e.,

• smoothening the index files and creating an even more consistent layout
• a complete redesign of the Essays & Papers section, of the Pictures section and of the Book and Music review pages
• redesigning the About & Help section, including the Chronology and the Site Map
• redesigning the Tour option.

To date, this site contains

• 501 HTML text files,
• 321 images for navigation and layout,
• 600 photographs with their
• 600 thumbnail images, plus
• 2 sound files;

making a total of 2024 files or 47.2 MB of data. Compared to the last "census" of November 9th 1999, 1½ years ago, this more than doubles the number of files, and more than triples the storage area necessary.

April 5th, 2001

Entry # 89: July 27 - Redefinition

Sometimes, time seems endless, the amount of time you have before you, at hand, available for use - endless it seems because you don't know what to do. Of course, you do know what you should be doing - yet somehow, motivation is lacking, the excitement, the joy. Nothing seems real anymore, nothing appears important, and the things you once cherished, have either changed and backfired - or you have. Priorities might be different now than they were then, and your time suddenly seems too precious to waste it on that nonsense.

But then you wonder, how did I get things done back then, with all the other stuff on my hands? Was I more hard-working? Was I better motivated? Was I more fulfilled? My life better, more productive?

Maybe the experience of getting dumped, getting ignored and discarded, is not to be underestimated at all. Maybe that's all got to do with that one moment of horror, that split second back then - that moment everything changed. Maybe.

Maybe the entire situation hasn't changed, maybe that moment was just an eye-opener. One I could very well live without, for some obvious reason. Love doesn't die. But maybe, that's something which just plainly and simply had to happen, had to occur. Moments that make you. Moments that make you become who you are right now. One single moment that made me become who I am right now. Why should I pretend to be talking about an anonymous "you", if the truth is that it's about me, just me?

Maybe that's one of the consequences of such moments. I'm generalizing again, I know, but I believe it to be legitimate nevertheless. When you have to experience everything falling down around you, or sinking relatively to your very own perception, doesn't that mean that the ego suddenly gets to play a very different role? I'm not advocating selfishness here. But what does it come down to, in the very end? Isn't it my own voyage? Is not it my own life? Do not I have to make my own decisions? And if so, wouldn't it be wrong to always just rely on others, on alleged authorities who cannot really tell me anything? Cut off what doesn't belong to you. Cut off what makes you a lesser human being, what disables your thinking, your sense of life, your life energy, your ability to do good. Community is a good thing. Too much community, commun-ism, is a bad thing, it crushes the individual and encages it - not only the bad sides, but even more so the good sides. Free yourself. Then you can truly free others and give rather than receive. For if you give just because others tell you to, this disvalues it, disconnects your self from the experience. You have to be free in order to be a human being. Not just physically, mentally, emotionally. Only then you can access the truth. And bring it to others, gently, giving them the space to breathe you yourself have had so much trouble to obtain.

And then, what then? What is time now? Isn't time suddenly running out, your tasks outgrowing you, encaging you again? Boy, you can't imagine how desperately I would love to kill this web site of mine, to just be on my own. But then, what then? What for? What are the benefits? Hasn't everything good which came to me in the last years had at least some connection to this site? New friends, colleagues, job offers, discussions, raised self-esteem, a redefinition of my self even? So that's not an option.

So what else, am I to shut off my TV, not go to the movies, not read, relocate to some darn hut in the hills, pretending to be a wise guy just because I could finally be alone? Wouldn't I lose my connections to the world, the things and persons I need, the persons that perhaps need me? Who am I? Well, I guess, I should write about that, that's always been the best way for me to somehow retain and repolish my sanity. Otherwise, I could just kill myself. That's no option either, however much sense it would make. But I do feel it to be wrong. I just can't grasp it logically. Maybe we're not logical beings after all, and logic is the key to all unhappiness. Unhappiness, however, would be a feeling, I reckon.

Maybe the best thing is honesty. Honesty is priceless, and it's something you can rely upon. Sadly, some people don't seem to know what it means, or can't seem to appreciate it when it happens to them. Are they afraid, don't they believe in honesty, in the truth? Well, I want to believe. I have to. Otherwise, well, would you want to continue living in a world full of lies and affected pretentions? In a world without substance? I wouldn't. Maybe I've found a new task. Finding a reason to live, each day anew.

(see also: Poems: Broke Down, Broken Down)

July 27th, 2001

Entry # 90: September 11: Attack on NYC

September 11, 2001, has been a day of unbelievable horror and shock. The attack on New York City and Washington D.C. has cost the lives of innocents, it has been a demonstration of what human beings are capable of doing once they have discarded their humanity and detached themselves from society.

This is a day of shame for those behind the attack, it is a day of mourning, a day of shock. Things like that don't just happen. They don't just take place. They are not normal. They must not be a taste of things to come.

This is not a time to endulge in hatred and prejudice. However wronged some people may feel, this is not a time to demonstrate their hatred against the USA. This attack was not on financial power, not on NYC, not on the US, it has been an attack against civilization, democracy, freedom and humanity. This has not been the act of heroes, not an act of god, it has been an act committed by cold-blooded criminals. It is not the time to shout Allahu Akbar.

It is a time to unite against any kind of such acts. And it has been a sign of hope that everybody, including Russia, China, Palestine and Cuba, joined with the US in their mourning.

Prayers and consolation to the survivors, and may the dead rest in peace.

September 11th, 2001

Entry # 91: And Death Just So Certain

I do believe in an afterlife. But I am also a more or less rational person. The end is the end. What comes after that, we cannot say with any true certainty. Shall we build our entire existence upon some nice but unproven and far too concrete fantasies of heaven or hell? What comes after the now is surely both stranger and more familiar than any approach yet undertaken by philosophy and religion. You cannot trust on such concepts. You can trust on leading a good, productive, insightful and compassionate life; you need to find your way while not impeding others finding theirs, and you may have to help them. But anything else, any future reward, cannot and must not be part of our picture, as any such thought would be a pure conception of the imagination.

What is an aim, a goal, a result? Isn't a result also an end? Isn't our physical end in the world also not just one, but even the definite aim of our life? Do we not live to finally die?

Shall we not, therefore, not only accept, but even embrace that idea? We have to die. There's no way out. There may be something after that, what exactly, we cannot tell. But there is definitely a major turning point in our life, and it is dying. We cannot live forever in this shape, on this plane of existence. We have to leave it. No muss, no fuss. C'est la vie. There's no going around it, no escaping it; and any escape we may undertake can only push the limit farther into the future, but not indefinitely. The end will come.

The end must come. Would we really want to live forever? Forever drown in the idiocy and madness and insanity all around us? Forever be caught in this place? There may be great beauty here also, but who knows what awaits us yet? Prolonging this live, would this mean shortening a possible better future life? Who knows?

Alas, beyond any thought experiments, as I already said, there's no way around it. So if the end hits you, why bother? The time you've got is the time you've got. Use it. Live. And if you have lived, why should you not be able to die?

And death like salvation now feels as retreat from a rocked and hard place
And death seems the only, the true and rewardingst of all in this maze
And death a companion, a feller, a friend with whom all gets a base
And death a recluse and escape as a place holding nothings and nays
And death all around you, amongst you, within you - not strangest a face
And death just an option, an ending, an end to the nightmares and haze,
And death just an ending to visions so lost in this ongoing craze
And death an excuse, a reward, bringing heros and pathos, not greys,
And death making heroes of simplest of men giving all equal gaze -
And death such a beautiful stranger, a wand'rer betwixt nights and days
And death equals all and all terror just gone once you're through with this haze
And death killing all, leaving no one alive, neither nights nor the days
And death knows no time, knows no craving, no fear, no remorse and no craze
And death is so silent, invisible, suited to nobody's face
And death is a creature of night not, nor day nor of any such base
And death is an angel of sleep, one of hope, not regret, of no place
And death just so certain - so why do you quiver at all for your face?

(excerpt from Klimax, Pars Secunda)

October 31st, 2001

Entry # 92: Two Thousand And One

Everything that has been before was seen irrelevant for a short moment since September 11th, a moment still continuing for most of us, a moment where time indeed stood still. The moment the second plane crashed into the second tower of the World Trade Center was the moment that destroyed the hopes of all of us hoping for a better world: But those irreligious and mislead cowards that executed and planned this utterly evil deed do not want peace, they do not want justice, they want their reign of terror and chaos to be brought upon the entire world.

For a brief moment, everybody except some very sick minds like those around Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, was united in terror and shock, was united in grief and horror and pain. The US were not the sole target, the US, and especially New York City and the World Trade Center, stand as symbols for the new world order, an order that has been trying to bring peace and justice to every single corner of the world, under the banner of the United Nations, with the icon of modern democracy, the United States, as the most powerful advocate of freedom.

All those joining the choir of the faithless and weak when criticizing the US mission in Afghanistan have been proven wrong. The war against the unholy Taliban regime that was in closest alliance with Usama bin Laden brought new hope to a country that had been enslaved and enchained by communist occupation, an ever-changing civil war and one of the cruelest and most inhuman regimes in the history of mankind. George W. Bush, a man nobody, me included, seemed to have particular faith in when he took office, proved a worthy and wise President, surprising everybody except those who do not want to be surprised.

Still there are loose ends. Terror still has a foothold in the world, fueled not just by dictatorial regimes but also by misled pseudo-intellectuals and eternal anarchists who misread the terror as something it isn't, as valid criticism of so-called US imperialism and a distorted image of what globalization is all about. There is still no peace between Israel and Palestine, there is the umpteenth series of bilateral exchanges of threats between India and Pakistan, Iran isn't democratic yet, Saddam Hussein still in power, China still a communist dictatorship, the global economic crisis still not overcome.

Yet there are also signs of hope. Russia is an ally now. The introduction of the Euro means a new era for Europe, a Europe which was still torn by war 57 years ago. There are other things, but most of all one: September 11th was perceived as a shocking and terrible event almost all over the world. The warcries of those seeing it as a triumph over the US were singular and in an utter majority. There's still hope for us yet.

December 31st, 2001