Phil John Kneis:
CIRCVMSCRIPTIO - EXITIVM III:
(DIALYSIS, PART ONE OF NINE)
Berlin, June 16th/17th/23rd, Eichwalde June 23rd, Gral-Müritz July 10th, Eichwalde July 13th, 1999 - P#104
Recordare Iesu pie
Quod sum causa tuae viae:
Ne me perdas illa die.
Now all is calm around my mind
And all the answers want I find
To clarify some recent cracks
And clarify what time now lacks
And just to sit right now, right here,
And delve right into deepest fear,
To stare right into the abyss
And let me feel this ice-cold kiss
That holds me back from all my dreams -
And makes believe me what but seems
To be, at deepest inner core,
Just scheme, illusion, plot, not more -
The kiss of truth - or kiss of night?
Is it the kiss of blissful night
Or just begins an endless fight
And just a long, long kiss goodnight -
But there's a reason for my thought -
The reason questions inner naught,
It calls for answers I refused,
It calls for measures I not used.
Where do I look - what shall I say?
Am I not here to seize the day?
The night? This life? In any way?
To see all things I see just may?
But what's inside, and what's beyond -
The mind seems like a deepest pond
Which all the light consumes at once -
Not leaving it the slightest chance
To still get out, to make its flight -
But still, although, it takes a fight
And will succeed - and overcome,
The mind then changed, the light then won -
But can this be? And will it stay?
A single spark, a single ray,
A single piece of blissful light -
But once again caught in the night,
And once again the dreams will rise,
Will ev'ry piece of light disguise,
Will rise from deep, deep down inside -
And deep inside, they start the ride.
Where all the thoughts just used to hide,
Where all of them embraced the side
Of light not but of darkness sheer -
Approaching darkness way too clear -
The deepest levels, deep deep down,
The truth inside themselves they drown
And not let answers then arrive -
The light down there not eas'ly thrive,
And rest not, nor evade the pain -
But nothing there is but in vain,
No thoughts, no pictures, not a hint,
No reminiscent silent wind,
Reminding of once brighter days -
Not lost are all these brighter ways,
But are enclosed, confined and feared -
What once so strong inside appeared
Here has to fight the darkest face -
Now has to struggle wildest maze -
Now faces breakdown deep inside,
Deep down, where darkness need not hide.
But darkness not it only is,
Not darkness only the abyss -
The mind deranged, the thoughts off line,
The state of mind far 'way from time,
The logic, reason, clearness - all,
The clarity, the rhythm, they fall,
The patterns break and come no more -
They might recur, but yet - they tore,
They tore apart themselves with might -
And indications, early sight
Has come, will stay, not go away -
Will go astray,
Will break apart.
Not harmony, not finest part -
All this now gone,
And what seemed won,
And still cling I to proven scheme,
And still cling I to proven theme,
But why, yeah, why?
Need I not change?
Is out of range
My line of thought?
I still return to proven voice -
But no more try to hide my speech -
Masks are it that I construct,
Masks it are which form the poetry -
Masks, applied to rhyme,
Masks, applied to verse -
Masks, applied to all.
And where does that lead to?
Where does it come down to?
Questions! Answers! To hell with them!
And why do I care?
Why still try?
The darkest thoughts with brightest mix,
- Is there a rhyme to that?
Don't think about it, doesn't matter.
No more silly games here,
Let's be plain and simple.
The sense needs to get thru.
But what sense? Was wissen wir wohl?
Does it matter?
Est-ce que cette choix une choix naturelle ?
Ou est-ce qu'elle construite ?
Lo más importante es que escribo.
Je ne sais pas.
No lo sé.
But that I don't know -
I only can guess.
No numbering stanzas anymore,
Why should I?
Should I pretend the existence of such a thing would be natural?
Would come naturally?
Doesn't it rather belong to the infinite realm of constructions?
No soy de acuerdo con eso,
Am doubtful -
In dubiis vivo, sed spes mea obscura est - non est facilis,
Difficilis enim vita est -
Vita apparet, apparet, non est?
I'm playing with words here,
As you might, just might have realized ;-) -
But what is poetry but playing with words?
I'm delving in my non-knowledge,
Cogito - ergo sum,
At qui non cogitant ergo non sunt?
Is it just my impure imagination or mightn't I continue endlessly with that?
Do I want to?
Mais je ne veux pas hacerlo,
Quaero pacem internam - la encontrará?
Now all fades back to oldest scheme -
No, it ain't.
And tries to get to inner theme -
But it can't
And leaps just back and forth at once -
No use, no use,
And doesn't get another chance -
So now, just stop it!
You ought to! Me, I ought to - indeed.
Ain't it schizophrenic?
No more games anymore, not now.
Am tired now, shut it up.
Shut the bleep up.
No more games
No more games
No more games
No more games
All work and no play makes Phil a dull boy
No more games
No more charades
No more pretensions
No more false hopes
No more hopeful glances
Just start to work
Just start to live
Just start to die
No more masks
Cum tacent clamant
No more empty faces
Let the music begin
Let the music stop
Let's give peace a chance
But let's stop this misery - which
Me pidet pudet paenitet
Me taedet atque miserit
You like music? My favorites are requiems.
Dies irae dies illa, solvet saeclum in favilla
La la la la la la la la -
Quaero quaesivi quaesitum
Puto putavi putatum
Credo credidi creditum
Nasci nascor natus sum vivo vixi victurum mori morior mortuus sum
Resurgit - resurrexit - resurrectus est -
Dubito - non dubito - dubitavi - dubitabo?
Scribo scripsi scripsum - scripturus?
Write wrote written
Gone went gone
Have had had
Dream dreamt dreamt
Dream dreamed dreamed
What dreams do will come?
Iudex ergo cum sedebit
Quidquid latet, apparebit:
Nil inultum remanebit.
Rex tremendae maiestatis,
Qui salvandos salvas gratis,
Salva me, fons pietatis.
July 19th, 1999